You will not be able to stop looking at this penis snake

Photo by Matt Roper.

OK, I don’t want people thinking that I’m, like, 12, but clearly I am 12, because this amphibian that looks exactly like a snake THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A PENIS is the most hilarious/horrifying thing I’ve seen in weeks. I keep looking at it and going “hahahaha oh GODDDDD” and having to switch tabs, and then switching back and peeking at it again. Seriously, Nature, what are you ON?

Worse picture coming up! Help!

Photo by Matt Roper.

GUYS I HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT WHILE I AM TRYING TO TYPE SOME ACTUAL SCIENCE SHIT. IT’S HARD. OH DANG. FORGET I SAID THAT. IT’S DIFFICULT.

AHEM so this thing is not a snake (or a penis) but actually a caecilian, which is a type of legless amphibian. Engineers in the Amazon discovered it while they were trying to drain a portion of the Madeira River for a hydroelectric project, and were instead surprised to find six giant dicks swanning around. (They get up to 30 inches long! TOO BIG.) The species has been identified as Atretochoana eiselti, which has made an appearance in the Amazon before — biologists have discovered specimens more than 1,500 miles away near the source of the river. They still don’t know much about it, though. Apparently it has no lungs, breathes through its skin, has poor eyesight, and eats small invertebrates, all of which tracks with what I know of penises. Beyond that, it … I don’t know, bathes in hand lotion? Likes to make a nest inside boxer shorts?

The problem with discovering members (ha!) of a potentially endangered species while building a dam is that you then have to endanger them by building a dam. It’s unknown how many A. eiselti exist in the wild, but they haven’t been spotted very often (hee hee spotted dick), and this particular population is going to be affected by the new hydroelectric project, which was already controversial because of its environmental impact. I’m not sure whether people will find it more or less compelling that, in addition to flooding rainforest and displacing residents, the project may well threaten monster dongs.